Perez is Baleistic

Poor Gareth Bale, if there wasn't enough pressure on him in north London, it's quadrupled since he finally secured his record breaking move to the Spanish capital. After a transfer saga that lasted the entirety of the transfer season, the 85 million pound was officially unveiled on deadline day, only to be greeted by chants of "don't sell Ozil, don't sell Ozil". By then, speculation was ripe that Ozil was on his way to the emirates, and as was evident, the fans were less than happy with the link.  The chants were not directed at the Welshman rather at Florentino Perez, the President of the Club. 

Perez is famous for issuing the era of the Galacticos in is first term in-charge, in his first term of Presidency he aquired te signatures of stalwarts of the game, Zidane, Figo, Luiz Ronaldo, an Beckham to name a few. The strategy was simple, each season, the club would buy one marquee signing, a global face that would add to overall popularity of the club. This business strategy brought in relative success as well as the global popularity the Real Madrid hierarchy hoped to achieve. In order to balance the books, players that seemed to be working under the radar were not as glitzy as the big names were sold. The biggest example of such a sale was that of Claude Makelele. The 'Makelele to Chelsea' transfer raised a lot of eyebrows within and outside the locker room, with players as well as fans perplexed as to why he was sold. Suffice to say, Makelele went on to become one of the best defensive midfielders in the world at Chelsea.

Perez's second era at the helm of Real Madrid can be seen as the era of the new- age Galacticos, so far, he has signed and released Kaka, while Benzema, Alonso, Modric and Cristiano Ronaldo still walk out on the field with the Real Madrid logo on their chest. Bale's acquisition can be seen as another galactico addition. Again the whole cycle of balancing the books took place, this time the one who faced the axe wasn't a defensive minded player, rather the best play-maker the club had, Mesut Ozil. The transfer of the German to the Arsenal has given rise to the same doubts the Madrid faithful harbored during Perez's first term.

Since his move to the Spanish Capital at the age of 21, Ozil went on to provide the most number of assists in all of Europe, eclipsing the likes of David Silva, Frank Ribery and even Lionel Messi. 'Ozil to Arsenal' has created the same ripples within the locker room as the sale of Makelele, with players such as Sergio Ramos and Alvaro Arbeloa publicly expressing their discontent. Cristiano Ronaldo has perhaps been the most vocal about his shock at hearing the news, after all, many of his goals can be attributed to the killer pass laid out by the German International. In the crudest of language, Ozil is to Ronaldo what Iniesta is to Messi, or at least that was the case last season. This season Ronaldo will have to form an understanding with either Bale or Isco, whoever occupies the play-maker role.

Going back to how this affects Gareth Bale, for one, his world record transfer had been grabbing the headlines everyday except for the day that his transfer was officially confirmed. The shock value of Arsene Wenger's dramatic deadline day swoop was enough to oust the Bale saga of the front page. How this adds pressure on Bale is because his transfer to Madrid signaled the end of Ozil's career. And filling the shoes of a firm fan favourite is not an easy task especially if you have cost exactly double the amount of money earned from the other's transfer. Add to that the fact that the amount paid by Madrid to get their man is enough to feed a whole country in Africa for at least a week and you know that he is in a tough spot. 

On The (+) Side

"At least there are some positives", that's what I would be saying if I were a gooner. If you are wondering what I am talking about I am referring to the human shield that Arsenal created to fend of the attacking chickens from across the street. Forget about Arsenal's uber successful transfer season and focus on the much anticipated celebration of St. Totteringham's day.

The game was a close one, with each team wanting to assert its superiority. On the one hand was Shylock and his minions sporting the red and white jerseys (disclaimer: this article was written before deadline day ended), and on the other was Sherlock and his new-look band of Watsons, all bought by using a left leg as 'Levy-rage'. 

As is well documented, Spurs' scouting system relies  highly on other clubs' links (read... Lamela, Eriksen, Capoue, Soldado). And all the money, which by the way is a lot,  has been spent to achieve what probably seemed an impossible task up until this summer, finish above Arsenal. 

Obviously there is no better way to be considered a threat to Arsenal's superiority in North London than making them hang their heads in shame when they face-off against each other  Except that when they did clash, Mertesacker and co. were the ones popping the champagne at full time. 

An unlikely stat produced itself in the game. Tottenham dominated possession... Wait what!? Tottenham dominated possession!? Yes Tottenham dominated possession. Arsenal was only playing on the counter attack or so it seemed for more than half of the game, their outlet for said counter-attack was Flash Gordon who gave the spurs defense a rotten time. And that's how the solitary goal was scored in the game as well, scored by a Frenchman who is growing in confidence with each second he spends on the pitch... Suarez who?

It wasn't the usual north London derby, by that i mean there couldn't be Facebook statuses such as "ar5ena2 roxxx!!!", but those die hard gunner fans still didn't shy away from sticking it to the tighty-whiteys. Getting back to point, what was most surprising was not the fact that Spurs lacked cohesion given the stature of their newbies, rather that Arsenal performed as a cohesive unit especially in defense.

For eons, Arsene's Arses have been criticized for being poor at the back, and although last night's defensive performance isn't indicative of the whole campaign, if Arsenal manage to defend like that and scrape through dirty wins throughout the campaign, then they might just be safe from the wrath of the angry fan. 

Never have I seen Mr. Wenger adopt a 6-3-1 formation as he did last night to fend of the barrage that ensued in the last 5 minutes of the game. To the neutral, the match had its scrappy moments, but to Arsenal fans, it was a matter of pride... They can scrap it out, Hurrah! 

There He Goes... Again!

It's that time of the year again when the hottest talent in the world of kicking a ball comes around to see who's got the best negotiator. And this year hasn't failed to disappoint. There has been every sort of drama the transfer market would like to see and its still 2 days to closure, or as the fans call it rumour time for january.

So we say Samuel Eto'o join chelsea about 5 years after calling them crap. That should bear well for the blues. Flamini is back in arsenal shoes, which just leaves them with needing a keeper, a center back, 2 full-back, a central mdifield, an all english breakfast, some sushi, a pair of pyjamas, an aircraft and 3 pots of gold on the back of Megan Fox away from the title. They are always one bad performance away from "Wenger suxxx man!! #fail" statuses on facebook. Loyalty died in 2008. Then there is Gareth Bale, who has to be the ugliest squirm on the planet to have that much money thrown at him. All that for a left foot. Madrid's current offer is 100 million euros, Di maria, local women from Mallorca, 6 freshly hatched chickens and the Starship Enterprise (because we need to cater to trekkies too). Its hilarious that London has Bale advertising for Lucozade. Bale posters have the unique purpose of scaring drunks on a Tuesday night, who mistake it for a signal from the planet of the apes.

David Moyes has proved in the transfer market that he is the singular polite guy in Scotland. Anyone else from that frigid country (ah! pun) would just walk up to the Everton toffee house, give mints to Roberto Martinez and walk out with giant Baines-Fellaini shaped holes in the doors of Goodison Park (i think that's where Everton play). Madrid decided to buy funny sounding names. I mean Isco, really? the comedy practically writes itself, if you're from Punjab (read: birmingham).

So what will happen till the end of the market. Lets feature uneducated guesses because hey its free. Modric to United. Because his role at Real is to make sure the roofs  are fine. geremi might go to bursaspor (thats my attempt to sound well researched). and jose mourinho will blame birds for his troubles. Something like that. Wait for our in-depth coverage of transfer deadline day frenzies. 

Men With Silver Tresses

While many continue to hate Sheikh Mansour and the number of fans his new look Manchester City has stolen from Manchester United worldwide, one does have to give the man some credit. He bought a club which was on the brink of turning into a Portsmouth, given their financial troubles. (Portsmouth is now in League 2 of English football, and their finances have been taken over by the fans.)

Like every other oil tycoon, the Sheikh pumped in a lot of money into the club in order to add some ‘bling’ to his cabinet. Having bought the majority stake in the club from disgraced ex- prime minister of Thailand, Thaksin Shinawatra, the sky blues brought in reinforcements in the form of Robinho for a British transfer record at that time, only to be eclipsed the transfer fees of two other ‘legends’ of the modern game Andy Carroll and Fernando Torres (you have to be called a ‘legend’ if you manage to score as many goals as these 2 have in the past few years).

Since the transition in owners, the club has gone through one of the most extreme make-overs, just like the ones Oprah used to give on her show. The Sheikh has single- handedly managed to transform Manchester City from being nobodies to a more hated club than Chelsea (everyone at CTP does not share this view).

The Sky Blues owner seems to have an affinity towards men in silver tresses (a very platonic affinity might we add), these men have  traveled from different shores where they coincidentally managed clubs that adorned blue jerseys as well only to take charge at a place that would guarantee their children a trust fund but cannot guarantee them job security.

Sheikh Mansour and his minions are like little children who always want something different; they first got Mark Hughes known for his direct style of play and gave him a new set of dolls to play with. When Mansour didn't like the design of his barbies, he opted for a less attractive form of football in the form of a more charismatic man though, Roberto Mancini.

Mancini had his own set of dolls, they were more like GI Joes, unattractive but effective. Marred by controversy, his team did manage to upstage the red devils in what was an interesting finish to the season they won.

Like Roman Abramovich, his compatriot in the oil business, the Sheikh has identified the Champions League Trophy as the that one piece of silverware that would surely make his cupboard gleam, and those who fail shall feel the wrath of the Sheikh, something that Mancini figured out when he got sheiked (see what we did there?) for producing poor performances in Europe. Add the misery of not being able to add any shine to the club, and you are as good as kabab to the Arabic tycoon.

New manager Manuel Pellegrini has vowed to bring in a trophy this season; such claims have been made prior to his first season in English football because apparently it’s a clause in his contract. One wonders whether the Chilean suffers from fits of overconfidence as he signed a contract which guaranteed him a death-wish should he fail to deliver.

Only time will tell whether there is any spice in the Chilean’s words, as of right now, they have managed to get rid of the problem children in to successive transfer periods, and have bought a Brazilian who is second choice to a player who recently moved to spurs, and a man known to suffer from bouts of homesickness (Fernandinho and Jesus Navas respectively). Didn’t they learn anything from the Balotelli and Tevez sagas?

South- American Southpaws

Today the resident Neanderthal had a light bulb moment. Since we are ‘Clipping The Post’ (not telling you how many ‘we’ means), we decided to turn the spot- kick to (see what we did there?) 2 very dapper gentlemen who have a longstanding relationship with the woodwork, our men Luis Suarez and Carlos Tevez or better known as the ‘Racist Vampire’ and ‘Momma’s Boy’ (source: Wikipedia............. no not really).

So the Racist Vampire, who shall be rechristened RV for the sake of saving space, is trying to orchestrate a move to the land of tiki- taka. Apparently life in England has left him wanting more. He feels ridiculed and hated. To many, why RV is hated so much may seem like a conundrum, but the hippie at ‘Clipping The Post’ (that’s 2 members, are there more?) has a very simple yet astute answer in as many words “ he bites and he hates black people... oh wait not to forget his hands of god.” For those who didn’t get the ‘hands of god’ reference here’s a hint; 2010 world cup, Uruguay Vs Ghana, so you might as well Google it.

Anyhow, getting back to point, the old man in Madrid who loves to spend his fans’ money has expressed interest in RV (not the van but the player), and he is willing to fork out as much as €50 million to persuade the red team of Merseyside, who’s manager by the way, sees Kolo Toure (32) as a long term replacement to Jamie Carragher (35).

In other news, a certain team in a city which is famed for its fashion week (god knows how the nerd at CTP knows that) was all set to buy MB (hopefully you understand who that is). But said club can now look back and only wonder as it seems MB has secured a move to the team that prides itself in being called the ‘old lady’, a concept that is alien to those in Milan.  The player in question, who happens to hail from the America that lies in the south of the equator, has been trying to engineer a move away from the oil rich side of Manchester because he misses home. Surely a move to Italy satisfies his wishes.

What has this man not tried, he’s cried himself a river, and even thrown a tantrum like the man-child he comes across to be, only to apologise 3 months later and get back pitch-side looking as if he was in his third trimester. MB finally seems to be going home to Argentina... oh wait! Correction he is going to Italy which is home for a man born and raised in Argentina, and all this for a sum of €15 million.

        

Now that so much has been written about these 2 very dapper gentlemen, we at CTP would like to issue a disclaimer. The alleged humour in this article is not intended to harm the feelings of any animal; especially white bunny rabbits. As far as harming the feelings of humans is concerned, look around, there are a lot more things that could harm you. Think about those.

Gone With The Wind

Torres jokes are about as old as LK Advani, so there isn’t much of a point in rehashing the old, unless you’re Salman Khan making 100 crores by selling misogyny to India packaged as ‘Dabangg 2’. This is about the legacy and adroitness of the baby-faced assassin (which is what his uncle called when he bit him during …uh..umm… a game of chess), who has stolen the hearts (and health insurance) of a million Spaniards. Seeing a flamboyant display against the Govt. Sr. Sec. boys school, sector-29 Noida is a massive slap on the face of anyone who thought the 50 million was a waste (so what if groundsmen across the world didn’t get a snickers each).

El Nino’s open goals scored to missed ratio is par excellence, given that the travesty with United was out of compassion for fellow Spaniard De Gea. It took him a long time to get out of the down-trodden beat-up horrible neighbourhood where he had to overcome bullies and greyness of the city to get to training. But enough about his time at Liverpool. He made the brave decision (with no bearing on the wages) to move to SW6 and play with the real men of London (yeah, you can frown, but I don’t see any other club winning trophies), whilst  being overtly generous to the wives and children to humour columnists across the globe. With grace he played on his return to Anfield, showing great respect to the home crowd by whimpering along the box in an uncharacteristic manner,  which took him years of partnering Maxi Rodrguez, Alberto Aquilani, and any other fisherman look alike Rafa Benitez could find on the streets of Malaga. The majestic first goal in blue, with that delightful assist from the puddle led to ecstasy and bar room brawl at Upton Park. Oh, the power he wields.

   

His hat-tricks and braces against Wigan, West Brom, Wolves and any other club from the midlands (read:Ludhiana) were crucial to Liverpool coming 7^th consistently. His self-harm to allow the academy players a first team go was a graceful touch to his footballing genius. Playing under a flurry of Chelsea managers that shuffled like the UPA cabinet didn’t for once affect his consistency drought (I mean ‘run of signature form’). It all culminated, like it should have on the grand stage, where he showed how much his country means to him and outscored Villa. Critics cry, but it doesn’t Mata! (bleep!, excuse the pun, the everlasting awe of ‘Nando has rendered my neurons dysfunctional).