Men With Silver Tresses

While many continue to hate Sheikh Mansour and the number of fans his new look Manchester City has stolen from Manchester United worldwide, one does have to give the man some credit. He bought a club which was on the brink of turning into a Portsmouth, given their financial troubles. (Portsmouth is now in League 2 of English football, and their finances have been taken over by the fans.)

Like every other oil tycoon, the Sheikh pumped in a lot of money into the club in order to add some ‘bling’ to his cabinet. Having bought the majority stake in the club from disgraced ex- prime minister of Thailand, Thaksin Shinawatra, the sky blues brought in reinforcements in the form of Robinho for a British transfer record at that time, only to be eclipsed the transfer fees of two other ‘legends’ of the modern game Andy Carroll and Fernando Torres (you have to be called a ‘legend’ if you manage to score as many goals as these 2 have in the past few years).

Since the transition in owners, the club has gone through one of the most extreme make-overs, just like the ones Oprah used to give on her show. The Sheikh has single- handedly managed to transform Manchester City from being nobodies to a more hated club than Chelsea (everyone at CTP does not share this view).

The Sky Blues owner seems to have an affinity towards men in silver tresses (a very platonic affinity might we add), these men have  traveled from different shores where they coincidentally managed clubs that adorned blue jerseys as well only to take charge at a place that would guarantee their children a trust fund but cannot guarantee them job security.

Sheikh Mansour and his minions are like little children who always want something different; they first got Mark Hughes known for his direct style of play and gave him a new set of dolls to play with. When Mansour didn't like the design of his barbies, he opted for a less attractive form of football in the form of a more charismatic man though, Roberto Mancini.

Mancini had his own set of dolls, they were more like GI Joes, unattractive but effective. Marred by controversy, his team did manage to upstage the red devils in what was an interesting finish to the season they won.

Like Roman Abramovich, his compatriot in the oil business, the Sheikh has identified the Champions League Trophy as the that one piece of silverware that would surely make his cupboard gleam, and those who fail shall feel the wrath of the Sheikh, something that Mancini figured out when he got sheiked (see what we did there?) for producing poor performances in Europe. Add the misery of not being able to add any shine to the club, and you are as good as kabab to the Arabic tycoon.

New manager Manuel Pellegrini has vowed to bring in a trophy this season; such claims have been made prior to his first season in English football because apparently it’s a clause in his contract. One wonders whether the Chilean suffers from fits of overconfidence as he signed a contract which guaranteed him a death-wish should he fail to deliver.

Only time will tell whether there is any spice in the Chilean’s words, as of right now, they have managed to get rid of the problem children in to successive transfer periods, and have bought a Brazilian who is second choice to a player who recently moved to spurs, and a man known to suffer from bouts of homesickness (Fernandinho and Jesus Navas respectively). Didn’t they learn anything from the Balotelli and Tevez sagas?

South- American Southpaws

Today the resident Neanderthal had a light bulb moment. Since we are ‘Clipping The Post’ (not telling you how many ‘we’ means), we decided to turn the spot- kick to (see what we did there?) 2 very dapper gentlemen who have a longstanding relationship with the woodwork, our men Luis Suarez and Carlos Tevez or better known as the ‘Racist Vampire’ and ‘Momma’s Boy’ (source: Wikipedia............. no not really).

So the Racist Vampire, who shall be rechristened RV for the sake of saving space, is trying to orchestrate a move to the land of tiki- taka. Apparently life in England has left him wanting more. He feels ridiculed and hated. To many, why RV is hated so much may seem like a conundrum, but the hippie at ‘Clipping The Post’ (that’s 2 members, are there more?) has a very simple yet astute answer in as many words “ he bites and he hates black people... oh wait not to forget his hands of god.” For those who didn’t get the ‘hands of god’ reference here’s a hint; 2010 world cup, Uruguay Vs Ghana, so you might as well Google it.

Anyhow, getting back to point, the old man in Madrid who loves to spend his fans’ money has expressed interest in RV (not the van but the player), and he is willing to fork out as much as €50 million to persuade the red team of Merseyside, who’s manager by the way, sees Kolo Toure (32) as a long term replacement to Jamie Carragher (35).

In other news, a certain team in a city which is famed for its fashion week (god knows how the nerd at CTP knows that) was all set to buy MB (hopefully you understand who that is). But said club can now look back and only wonder as it seems MB has secured a move to the team that prides itself in being called the ‘old lady’, a concept that is alien to those in Milan.  The player in question, who happens to hail from the America that lies in the south of the equator, has been trying to engineer a move away from the oil rich side of Manchester because he misses home. Surely a move to Italy satisfies his wishes.

What has this man not tried, he’s cried himself a river, and even thrown a tantrum like the man-child he comes across to be, only to apologise 3 months later and get back pitch-side looking as if he was in his third trimester. MB finally seems to be going home to Argentina... oh wait! Correction he is going to Italy which is home for a man born and raised in Argentina, and all this for a sum of €15 million.

        

Now that so much has been written about these 2 very dapper gentlemen, we at CTP would like to issue a disclaimer. The alleged humour in this article is not intended to harm the feelings of any animal; especially white bunny rabbits. As far as harming the feelings of humans is concerned, look around, there are a lot more things that could harm you. Think about those.

Gone With The Wind

Torres jokes are about as old as LK Advani, so there isn’t much of a point in rehashing the old, unless you’re Salman Khan making 100 crores by selling misogyny to India packaged as ‘Dabangg 2’. This is about the legacy and adroitness of the baby-faced assassin (which is what his uncle called when he bit him during …uh..umm… a game of chess), who has stolen the hearts (and health insurance) of a million Spaniards. Seeing a flamboyant display against the Govt. Sr. Sec. boys school, sector-29 Noida is a massive slap on the face of anyone who thought the 50 million was a waste (so what if groundsmen across the world didn’t get a snickers each).

El Nino’s open goals scored to missed ratio is par excellence, given that the travesty with United was out of compassion for fellow Spaniard De Gea. It took him a long time to get out of the down-trodden beat-up horrible neighbourhood where he had to overcome bullies and greyness of the city to get to training. But enough about his time at Liverpool. He made the brave decision (with no bearing on the wages) to move to SW6 and play with the real men of London (yeah, you can frown, but I don’t see any other club winning trophies), whilst  being overtly generous to the wives and children to humour columnists across the globe. With grace he played on his return to Anfield, showing great respect to the home crowd by whimpering along the box in an uncharacteristic manner,  which took him years of partnering Maxi Rodrguez, Alberto Aquilani, and any other fisherman look alike Rafa Benitez could find on the streets of Malaga. The majestic first goal in blue, with that delightful assist from the puddle led to ecstasy and bar room brawl at Upton Park. Oh, the power he wields.

   

His hat-tricks and braces against Wigan, West Brom, Wolves and any other club from the midlands (read:Ludhiana) were crucial to Liverpool coming 7^th consistently. His self-harm to allow the academy players a first team go was a graceful touch to his footballing genius. Playing under a flurry of Chelsea managers that shuffled like the UPA cabinet didn’t for once affect his consistency drought (I mean ‘run of signature form’). It all culminated, like it should have on the grand stage, where he showed how much his country means to him and outscored Villa. Critics cry, but it doesn’t Mata! (bleep!, excuse the pun, the everlasting awe of ‘Nando has rendered my neurons dysfunctional).